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Tuesday, November 28, 2017

The Deal I Made With God

The past few weeks my heart has been in a tangle. Most days I know how to shove my grief down, swallow the hard facts in front of us and move forward. But those heavy pills are becoming harder to swallow and I’m finding myself stricken with sudden moments of grief. I expected heartache and disappointment but I never fully expected heavy waves of anger and depression. 

Wednesday, October 25, 2017

Hope Remains

Friday has left me in moments of numb and surrender. So much of what we were told by the developmental pediatrician was expected. We understand Matthew's significant delays. We see the repetitive behavior, the delays in speech and the awkward socialization. Yet, we still see so much more. We have watched our boy go from silent stares to spontaneous signing of a particular food he wants, pointing, reaching, making eye contact and even responding to his name. We see the hope. We see the difference. We see the strides of progress. And even with all the progress he has made, it simply wasn't enough. Even now, my heart feels heavy with disappointment. How could it not be enough?

Wednesday, October 18, 2017

The Question That Remains

The past few days my heart has felt different. I have begun asking a new prayer from my Father. One that comes from a bleeding hardship of unanswered questions. One that most people don't dare pray, knowing that it will produce further pain. But pain worthwhile. No one really wants to admit that the things we most crave in this life are the very things we are deeply afraid of. I'm ready to be unafraid.