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Sunday, December 31, 2017

What 2017 Has Taught Me

2017 has been the year I’ve started to pee on myself. (Thank You Jesus for my children!) It doesn’t matter if I’m standing or sitting, the inevitable is going to happen. Jumping on the trampoline is no longer a safe place and apparently running into a store before it closes is too much for my bladder to handle. I’ve picked out more gray hairs than I’d care to count and the lines under my eyes are getting heavier. I’m not the young woman I used to be and my body is reminding me of that daily. I’ve lost so much weight from stress that my panties are now saggy and if I'm being honest other parts of me are drooping too. 2017 has brought on more than I ever dared I could handle. Yet somehow in the mix of what I never anticipated I remain in awe. 

Tuesday, November 28, 2017

The Deal I Made With God

The past few weeks my heart has been in a tangle. Most days I know how to shove my grief down, swallow the hard facts in front of us and move forward. But those heavy pills are becoming harder to swallow and I’m finding myself stricken with sudden moments of grief. I expected heartache and disappointment but I never fully expected heavy waves of anger and depression. 

Wednesday, October 25, 2017

Hope Remains

Friday has left me in moments of numb and surrender. So much of what we were told by the developmental pediatrician was expected. We understand Matthew's significant delays. We see the repetitive behavior, the delays in speech and the awkward socialization. Yet, we still see so much more. We have watched our boy go from silent stares to spontaneous signing of a particular food he wants, pointing, reaching, making eye contact and even responding to his name. We see the hope. We see the difference. We see the strides of progress. And even with all the progress he has made, it simply wasn't enough. Even now, my heart feels heavy with disappointment. How could it not be enough?